Birthday Blues? NORMAL

I always felt like I had to tamper down excitement and expectations for my birthday, if I had any, and I think earlier this year I decided to google it to see what would come up after a friend told me how they felt about their birthday. I read an article that popped up and the author articulated all the different feelings I felt that would come up for me when my birthday approached, on the day of and even after the day. And I was like, "huh.. so maybe this is actually really common."

I never usually liked to plan or expect anything, it was the safest option as opposed to feeling disappointed by my own expectations of what I thought celebrating my birthday should be like. It was basically that I'd rather already know nothing would happen than feel any crushing rejection in any aspect. But the thing is, I would usually still feel disappointed. I would always feel guilty and ask myself: WHY DO I FEEL THIS WAY ABOUT IT?! A birthday comes around every year, everybody's does and it doesn't have to be a big deal right? I told myself this every year, always trying to play it off to friends who would ask if I was doing anything like it was never a big deal to me so that I'd believe it to be true for myself. And some years, it really was just another day and that was that, feeling neutral and almost like it was any other day.

It's okay to feel ANY and EVERY other emotion on your birthday besides happiness and enjoyment and anticipation. Do you feel sad? Scared? Pressure? Sometimes, maybe it's actually more that oftentimes, we assign too much significance for that day. Celebrations are how you're "supposed" to spend your birthday but then it can just start to feel obligatory rather than genuinely spending it how you want. And yes, it is just another day but the implications of celebrating the day you came into existence can illicit various emotions from any aspects of your life such as how you want to be celebrated and maybe know you won't be, and that's so NORMAL to feel. I'm writing this because I feel like we should normalize this more.

As my birthday approached this year, I decided I wanted to throw a party. I genuinely wanted to. And I decided that I'd let myself feel the emotions that would come with it. If I felt crushed or disappointed by something along the way executing it, then I admitted it to myself and allowed that admission to help me move on. I was able to let go of as much expectation as I could. I wish I could say - I had no expectations and I would've been Gucci no matter what, whoo!!! No. That's just not the truth for me so let me just be real. I still had some expectations out of hope and just dreaming but that's NORMAL. And you know, I don't think it's a bad thing to have hope because you'd like certain things to happen.

I really like how I've shifted my perspective to this current mindset about my birthday, it's a healthier attitude than the one I've had before because I acknowledge how I truly feel about this to myself.

So I threw my birthday party & I'm really glad I had it though because it was worth it to me. I felt all the love from my friends in many different and unexpected ways. Although I'm feeling a lot of emotions in regards to where I am in life and where I would like to be, I'm feeling so grateful overall. This birthday was a lovely reminder of how sweet life can be and I don't think I've ever felt this good before for my birthday.

To be determined for next year though, maybe I'll feel very different, who knows. However, I think I'm on the right track here with this shift.

~If you've related to anything on this post, you're DEFINITELY not alone with the way you feel. I mean, just google "birthday depression" - there's a ton of articles that pop up. Reading a few could make you feel better and less alone, like it did for me. And that's why I wanted to share my feelings on this and write a post of my own.